Realization

Do you ever get a realization of something that you thought you already knew?

Lately people that I never would have thought even know who I am have been coming up to me and talking to me and pretty much catching my completely off guard. I have come to realize that people seem to like me. Simple right? But I have never really felt like people actually want to be around me. God has been shoving that in my face and proving me so wrong. I have had three or four people that I was sure didn't really care to know me come up and talk to me and give me hugs. I have had people that I thought didn't care show that they care at least a little. I have had real and internet conversations with people that I don't normally talk to. I have had people call me to do things and be really sad if I can't come. What an awesome feeling it is to be wanted, to be known, and to be loved. I wish I could let everyone feel as special as I feel right now. I was just feeling very alone and upset when God sent three people out of the blue to talk to me on facebook. How awesome is he? Sometimes my realizations are things that I should already know, but who cares? I know them now and that's what counts. People actually like me. Who knew?

lonely

Sometimes I feel the most alone when I am in a group of people. I know everyone feels this way sometimes but I feel like it a lot more than I probably should. I was in a group of three people besides me, and even though I know they all like me I felt really left out and kind of sad. Why do emotions have to be so confusing? Why can't I be brave enough to be honest and show my real feelings to people. I don't think most people know how good of a liar I am. I can make anyone believe that I'm fine when I'm not, that I'm brave when I'm scared, and that I don't mind when I do. I can make anyone feel like it is okay to walk all over me. It's not. Please help me to not be so... whatever I am. I'm sick of this feeling. I know I'm not alone but sometimes I need to be reminded. I need hugs, I need people to reach out when I shy away, and I need people that won't give up on me. I'm trying. Please don't give up on me. 

Sept 11

So tomorrow marks seven years since the twin towers fell. It makes me feel a little strange. I have heard nothing about it from anyone or anything. It's a election year and in all the hype about who and what's coming next I think we have forgotten about what came before. Sept. 11th was the day America was ATTACKED by terrorists and the reason that a war started. This is not a small thing and is not something that should be ignored or played down. Many many good innocent people died that day and to suddenly forget is just wrong. I don't really care how busy you are or what you have going on you should take at least a few minutes and remember what happened on that day and how it has changed our nation. It makes me think of two years ago when I was only a few hours outside of Washington D.C. on the fifth anniversary of the attack. I was hit really hard with the reality of it all. When you see flags in the capital of our nation flying at half mass it's different than when your neighbors flag flying at half mass. I felt connected to the people that died that day and to their families. I promised on that day that even though I didn't know any of them I would never forget them and I intend to keep that promise. I wish it had never happened, but if my kids ask me about it one day I want to be able to tell them the story because I remember. I want to be able to tell them from the bottom of my heart how I felt that day. I don't want it to be some mechanical retelling of a tragedy that took place once that doesn't matter anymore. I want to always remember. Not so that I can be sad forever, or to be better than anyone, but simply to honor the fallen and their families. God bless them all and I promise I will never forget. God help me to NEVER forget!

Patience

Okay I'm going to be really girly right now and let you all know that I have been really lonely lately and somewhat daydreamy about, you guessed it, guys. I don't know what's wrong with me. I mean I go through phases like this sometimes but not usually for this long or this much. It seems like whenever my mind has a free moment it is in some daydream. About simple things though, holding hand, watching the stars together, laughing until our sides hurt, smiling for no reason. You know the little seemingly unimportant things. Like the other day I saw an old couple that had dressed do they would match and I freaked out a little. There was even someone there who could confirm my freaking outness. I even took pictures of this couple because they were so cute. All I could think was one day that could be me. I don't even have a boyfriend. I don't know if I will ever have a boyfriend. If it were up to me I would definitely have one but it is up to God and I would never claim to know what he is going to do. I was feeling a little like this one other time and I HEARD God say; 'Be patient little sister for I have great things planned for you.' I take great comfort from that and it gives me hope. But he didn't actually say I have a great man for you, he said a great plan, they rhyme but they are NOT the same. I guess I will have to keep trusting God and know that whatever the plan is it's going to rule the world. Patience. I just have to be patient. God help me be patient.  

College :0

So going to college makes me feel weird. I don't think that I am old enough. I look around at everyone as I walk the halls and think of how much better and smarter and well prepared they must be. I feel like I am falling a little. I'm doing good and I like my teacher and the work isn't super hard... I guess I just feel like it could be really easy to lose myself and that scares me. I pretty much just started to figure out who I am and now it seems like being at college could take that away. It is so scary to have a professor grade your work and tell you if you are good at something or not. It's hard to balance classes, homework, a job and have a social life. I saw something the other day that said; Good grades, adequate sleep, social life... pick two. (welcome to college.) It is so true. Sad but true. I chose to stay up with a friend the other night even though I had class in the morning and while I don't regret hanging with my friend at all, I just wish it wasn't such a big deal. Right now it seems like taking a year off would have been the better choice. I feel a little overwhelmed and I haven't even had to hand any big assignments or anything in yet. I have to redo something for photography and I had to redo something in Comp as well. I'm grateful that they are letting me redo the assignments but the fact that I have to redo them makes me feel stupid. I feel like I'm failing and it hasn't even been a month. I don't really know what to do. There is so much homework in each class it makes me think the teachers don't know that we are taking more than on class. All I did today was homework. The first thing I did when I woke up was read a textbook, before I even got out of bed, no joke. How sad is that? If anybody has any encouragement or advice PLEASE help me out. I'm freaking out a little and would appreciate the help. 

Why?

So something scary happened in my life the other day.
My mom and I get a call from my brother and he tells us that he was just beat up. I got so mad I could hardly see straight. I wanted to go out and find the person that did it and hurt them. I wouldn't actually but I wanted to pretty bad. Then my brother came home. I promise there is nothing as scary as seeing someone that you love with a swollen arm and a dirty swollen face. He wasn't bleeding and nothning was broken but that didn't really matter. He was hurt, that was enough. I was so upset that I grabbed my ipod and just left. I walked out the door of my house and found a grassy spot to sit a little ways away and cried. I screamed at God, I called a friend and told my story as I was balling my eyes out, and I sat and starred into space. How could this happen? Why?
I hope you never have to experience anything like this and for those of you that know me remember this. No one messes with the people I love. No one. I will do everything in my power to protect you if I can. I love you and I would die for you if I needed to. Always remember that!