Brave

Right now I really want to have a picnic on the bride over the train tracks and talk to a friend. I want to have someone to talk to while sitting in the light of the setting sun, taking bites of food as a train passes under us. I want to have a heart to heart as the stars push their way through the darkness and the temperature slowly falls. Right now this is what I want really bad. Why don't I do it? I don't know who to do it with. My best friend is out of town on an awesome mini vacation and I'm so happy for her. Other than that I don't know who to call. I tried to get ahold of one friend but I don't know what number she is at. Another friend I don't know her schedule and I don't really know if she is the kind of friend that I could just call out of the blue. No I know that she is I'm just not good at calling. My other friend is a guy and while it wouldn't be weird or awkward for me, people could get the wrong idea and it is generally just not a good idea to hang out with guys one on one. I know that I would be fine and we are just friends but as much as they shouldn't be, appearances are a big deal. I really just want to sit on the bridge. I want to make a memory. I want to have an awesome time and I just don't know how to go about doing it. I wish I wasn't such a chicken when it comes to calling people. I wish I was brave enough to call someone and say you are going to come have a picnic with me on the train bridge. I'm just not there yet. Someday, hopefully soon, just not today. Today I let yet another chance slip by. *sigh* Someday I'll be brave, just watch! 

*tear*

So I was at a really pathetic high school football game last night and something very sad happened. I was standing on the sidewalk watching people watch the game. Now there is a really steep hill right behind the sidewalk and a little girl was trying to walk on the incline and she fell. I'm guessing she was around 6-7 years old. There were two boys behind her that were about the same age and after she fell the 6 year old little boy looks at her and says; "What the f... did you do that for." Six years old. I wanted to cry. Why would someone his age even know that word? What are we teaching our kids? I was so sad I didn't even know what to do. My heart broke for him and the fact that he doesn't even know how wrong what he said is. I just needed someone to know this and help me pray for this little boy and all the kids his age. I'm afraid for them and think that we need to ask God for all the help we can get. 

What I love

So I liked making a list of things I had never done so now I want to make a list of things I love. 

So for all of you who have always wondered what does Olivia love? Here you go!

I love...

*God above all else

*Reading books. 

*The smell of books. If you never have you need to fan the pages of a book in front of your face. It is my comfort smell, nothing beats the smell of books.

*Dancing crazy when no one can see. While cooking, in the living room, or in the rain.

*Thunderstorms. WOW!!!!!

*Music. It makes my spirit soar. 

*Paint-by-number. I can't draw the lines but I love coloring the empty spaces between the lines. 

*Movies. I love stories, and a movie is an awesome way of learning a new story, or an old story.

*Pictures. I love taking pictures. I like them enough I'm thinking of doing it for the rest of my life. 

*Singing at the top of my lungs no matter how bad it sounds. 

*Candles. I always love candles. Not the ones that smell bad but, duh!

*Notebooks. I have somewhat of an obsession with this office supplies. I love to open a new notebook and make my first mark with an awesome pen. (By the way, I have never used a whole notebook. It kind of scares me. I'm working on it though.)

*I love fountain pens and quill pens! I love pens in general but these are my favorite. 

*Shoes. I love trying on shoes and owning a lot, but I don't really like to wear them. I'm a barefoot chick. 

*Starbucks with friends. It's amazing by itself but if you add awesome people there's not much that can beat it.

*Playing chess. I'm not good at it and I never get to play but I love it.

*Nature. In my world there is nothing more beautiful than nature. I think nature pictures beat the crap out of every other kind. My only wish is that it liked me more. I have nasty hay fever. Stupid pollen, why must you be so evil?

*My BED!!! I have the best bed in the world. Ask anyone that has ever felt it and they'll tell you. It rules the world. It's the softest ever!

*Playing cards. It doesn't really matter what the game is I just love cards. I don't know how to play poker though. Weird huh?

*I Love to shuffle cards. Maybe more than I like to play cards. I know. Weird.

* Writing. Poetry, fiction, thoughts, even papers. I get a huge high from writing. It is really relaxing to be able to say whatever you want without having to remember everything at once. You can go back and change things, you can start over, you can let other people read it and get feedback. Writing is the best EVER!

*I love my family SOOOO much. They are amazing and have shaped me into the person I am. I am so awesome because of the family God blessed my with. 

*My friends have changed my life, to all of you thank you! You have no idea what a difference you have made. For a long time I had no friends and I really didn't like myself. Because all you awesome people chose to be my friends and showed me that I was okay to be around you turned my life around. You made me see that I was an okay person and people didn't hate me. I don't know what I can say to make you understand how grateful I am. Forever and eternity, THANK YOU!

So everyone that has always wanted to know what I love... now you know. I love life and can't wait to see what it throws me next. Think about what you love and then thank God for all of it. Happy lovely trails to you all!

Sometimes...

Sometimes all I want is a guy to hold my hand, a guy look at me and tell me I'm beautiful, a guy to brush the hair back off my face and know that he really cares. Sometimes it feels like that is something I will never have, sometimes it feels like I am destined to be alone and have to deal. I am the person that is there for others not the one that is cared for. I love being there for my friends, it gives my life an awesome meaning and purpose but, sometimes... Sometimes all I want is what I see my friends have. I have never wanted to go out with a guy just so that I could have a hand to hold. I want it to mean something, and not just something, something big. I want it to matter and last. I want to have a forever love. Someday if it is in Gods plan for me I will. And oh how I want it to be in Gods plan. Sometimes all there is to do is cry and then continue to wait. I go through a stupid cycle of I'm fine by myself, I love being single, to I don't want to be alone, what is wrong with me. Having never had a boyfriend is a thing I'm proud of and a thing that is hard on my self esteem. Like why haven't guys ever been interested? What am I doing wrong? Or is it something I'm doing right? I don't really know what to think. I know God has great things for me, I heard him say it, but sometimes... Sometimes it just seems like the wait could kill me. I just want a hand to hold, a smile to cherish, eyes to lose myself in, a laugh to get carried away by, arms to wrap me in a hug, a shoulder to bury my head in and drain my tears, fingers to play with my hair, and a heart full of love. God says patience and as another tear slides down my face I say 'okay daddy. Will you help me?' 

Saved

A dagger thrown with the glance of an eye

a sword unsheathed with the heave of a sigh

unspoken words hang overhead

I'm crushed and abused by the things we never said

all the silent tears I've cried 

all the failures I've tried to hide

have left in me a gaping hole

what's one more piece from a broken soul

How can I keep up the fight

when everything is wrong that use to be right

how can I rise up from these ashes

how long before I'm healed of my gashes

one more day or ten more years

when will I be set free from these fears

How long will it take to forget what you said

how ling before your lies are cleared out of my head

every time I forgave and let you start new

you took my fears and proved them to be true

You taught me how to deal with rejection

I've become a master of friendship selection

no one who pries or wants to know 

someone who'll smile and put on a show

someone who tries hard not to be known

someone who'll leave my fragile soul alone

But then I met someone who actually cares

who takes on himself my burdens and ware

someone who'll love me no matter the wrong

and when I am weak someone who is strong

I found someone that I could believe in

someone who'll forgive me of my sin

He searched and he found the pieces of my soul

and thanks to this someone I'm being made whole

no more standing on the outside feeling alone

no more wishing in vain to truly be known 

I can now rise up and proudly proclaim

I was saved by this someone and Jesus is his name

Sick and tired

I have been sick for two weeks now and I am so beyond ready to be done with all of this crap. My life has been so busy that my body has finally given up the fight and gone on strike. I am exhausted. I don't know how people with really busy lifestyles do it. I had a few busy months and it almost killed me. 

Anyways, I started college and I think it's going to be good. I am nervous that there will be a lot of homework and I will be overwhelmed and super busy again but I'm trusting God to get me through it. Everybody tells me I'll do great and I'll have fun but I don't think they know how hard I can be on myself. I take the saying, you are your own worst critic to a whole new level. And being as exhausted as I am doesn't help. I'm only in three classes so it shouldn't be too bad but you never know. Hearing about all of the stuff I'm going to have to do over the semester all at once is kind of hard to deal with. In Comp 2 I have to write 3 big essays and do what the teacher labeled a LOT of small projects and papers. In sing language I'm going to have to go to two deaf events, make a video of me signing, take a quiz every day, and take all the tests and exams. Did I mention that it's a no speaking class. The teacher is deaf and as a rule at Kirkwood you are not allowed to use spoken english in the classroom at all. Not to others or even yourself. Then in photography there is a crapload of stuff that I'm going to have to do. On the very first day we were given a partner and told to do a power point presentation on a certain aspect of photography. 

Don't get me wrong I'm really excited. It's just that I'm sick, and exhausted which feeds my nervousness and makes me freak out a little. God is bigger than all of my problems though and with him I can do anything. 

Dream it and it will come true.

People tell you to dream big and never stop believing and you will get what you dreamed. My question is, what if your dreams are impossible? What if you want to be a wizard, or what if your dream is to have a celebrity fall in love with you? What if you want to live in a book.? What if you want to talk to Elvis? What if the thing you want most in the world is to see a dead loved one again? What about those dreams? Do they just not count as dreams? Do we give them the title of fantasy instead? Not that it matters but I was just thinking of all the crazy dreams I have and all the impossible things that I wish would happen and wonder if they are different from the dreams that people are talking about when they tell you to 'follow your dreams'? It seems we are only suppose to dream about sensible things that can be used. Doesn't that kind of negate the point of dreaming? Our dreams are suppose to be the one place where anything can happen. The place where I can talk to Frodo, and write a bestselling novel, and find my soulmate in a famous man. The place where rules don't apply, the place where I can fly if I want to and no one is going to tell me how crazy I am. My dreams are the place where I get to be who I really am. No filters, no lies, no limits. I for one am going to continue to dream the impossible and no matter how many people tell me that I'm crazy I'm going to keep believing that my dreams can come true no matter how impossible. And who knows, maybe one day they will.

Things I've never done

So I was just thinking about common things that people my age have done that I never have and thought I would share them. 

Now just because I have never done these things doesn't mean I want to. Some I do, some I don't, you'll have to see if you can figure out which is which.

I have never...

Gone to or been asked to go to a dance.

Been on a date.

Had a boyfriend.

Been kissed.

Smoked anything.

Tasted alcohol.

Been out of the country.

Dyed my hair.

Been pulled over.

Been in a car accident.

Been to a public high school.

Lived away from home.

Had food poisoning.

Caught on fire.

Fallen out of a tree.

Broken into a pool after hours.

Been able to do a cartwheel.

Played the guitar.

Been to Disneyland or Disney world.

Swam in the ocean.

Been bit by a dog.

Done drugs of any kind.

I'm sure the list could continue for a while but right now I have run out of things. So now you know some of the things I have never done. Some I wish I would have or hope I will do, others I'm glad haven't happened and hope they don't. If you really want to know ask me and I'll tell you, otherwise you'll have to just guess. 

My week

I have had a really weird week. 

I was in my best friends wedding last weekend and it was AMAZING!  

The thing is, the day after the wedding I had to say goodbye to all my friends that are going to college and I got sick. 

The next day my family and I went on vacation... while I'm sick. 

I haven't been able to do quite a few things while on vacation since I've been sick. Then the day that I started to feel better I went swimming with my mom and my aunt and while getting something that had fallen out of the pool I got stung by a bee. I never knew it could hurt that much. 

On top of all of that I have a nasty sunburn all over my back and my shoulders. 

As if that wasn't enough I was just trying to read my book and I spilled my tea all over my bed. It soaked my pillow, the sheets, and got on my book. 

All of this at a strange house where I don't know where anything is. 

Needless to say I am frustrated. I kind of feel like screaming but people are sleeping. Oh how I wish life was easy. HA. That's a good one. 

Anyhow I was asked the other day if I blogged and this seemed like a good time to start. I know not a lot of people are going to read this and at the moment it's just me venting but that's okay. I promise I will add other better things later but right now I really just needed to vent and this helped. Thank you for asking if I blogged!!!!!